California and Michael Jackson

I just get so hung up on the past. When am I just going to let go? There is nothing bad about the part of my past that I'm referring to. Quite the contrary, actually. I just want to go back to the past. I just so badly want the past to be the current present, the now. I'm talking about the part of my past when I was living in California and Michael Jackson was still alive, was still here. I was the happiest there. Now, I just feel so miserable. Damn...Oh how I wish that I could go back. If I could, I would have NEVER made the decision to move back to Michigan. I would have just stayed in Cali and gone back to Block Buster, or I wish that I would have taken Samey's help when she said that she would put in a good word for me at one of the chain hotels that she was working at, at the time. I was just so damn happy in California. I have never been able to get that feeling back since I moved back to Michigan. It like it was a different type of happiness, a happiness that could only be had in California. 

I relive my stay in California over and over again in my mind. I honestly do. I miss it so much. The weird thing is though, as much as I miss it, I don't really want to move back because, ever since Michael Jackson died, I just lost that desire. There have been sporadic moments where I wish to be back there, and contemplate moving back once I have my shit together, but for the most part, I don't have that much of a desire of it like I did in 2008, and since Michael Jackson died. I honestly don't know why Michael Jackson's death makes me not want to move back, but it does. Stupid, I know, and I wish that I didn't feel that way. As much as I was crying and yearning to move back to Califonia in 2008, I would have NEVER thought that I would not have the desire to move back.

What I really want is for the past to be the present, for 2006 and 2007 to be the RIGHT NOW when Michael jackson was still here, I was living in California, and I was happy.

I'm only hurting myself. I am. There is nothing I can do about going back to the past and there is nothing that I can do about Michael Jackson's death. I don't know. Maybe a  part of me hasn't fully accepted MJ's death. I still very much miss him, and sometimes find it hard to believe that he is gone. But I am better off than I was months to a year ago! A lot better about accepting his death and moving on, but I do have my moments.

Welp, deuces! ♥