Self-reflection

When I was living in California, I brooded a lot about myself. No, I don't mean like in a pretentious, vainglorious, self-centered, I'm all that kind of way. I mean, in a "who am I" kind of way. "What kind of person am I?" Am I happy with the person that I turn out to be? Are you self-assured about who you are? Do you know who you are? You know, those kind of queries. Unfortunately, the answer to those questions are no. Yeah, it's a damn shame, but it is the truth. I don't know. And the things that I do know about myself, I'm not happy with. I have never went to college (I wanted to go initially. Hell, I was even looking at some schools at one point). Why, well one of the reason is because I didn't know what I wanted to do. I didn't know what I wanted to major in. I didn't know what I wanted to do career wise. I didn't want to be one of those people who have all these degrees, spent all that money on a fancy education, and is still working at a Wal-mart or something. I met a lot of people who have degrees and are still working at a dead-end job. I didn't want that to be me. Another reason (which is one of my traits that I'm not happy about) is that I'm a procrastinator. I am always holding things off. Unwittingly recognizing that the more I put things off, the farther behind I get. Who knows where I could be now if I didn't put things off so damn much. I'm probably further behind in my life because of it. Another one of my traits is that I'm a Walter Mitty. I just sit there and daydream about shit. How I want my life to be. The kind of person I want to be. The characteristics that I want to have. Making money, living in my own place, not having to depend on other people. My daydreaming is the root of my procrastination. It continues to perpetuate it. I'm not trying make excuses. I know it's not right. I know that these are things that will have to eventually change.

I feel like I'm in a rut. It feels like I have been stagnant ever since I graduated high school. Yeah, I moved to California and all that, but not much beyond that point. If I could just have a panoramic view of my life. To see what I did, to see what mistakes I made. To concoct some kind of solution for me. I know that this shit is sounding mad dramatic, but this is the stuff I've been brooding about. I'm no where career wise, and I don't know a lot about who I am. I feel like I'm lost in the boondocks of my life.

Another thing that I do is that I tend to point the blame at other people without thinking about how I contribute to the problem. It's so easy to point the blame at somebody else because it gives you justification. In lieu of pointing the finger at someone else ( whether they had anything to do with your troubles or not), look at yourself, girl. As what Michael Jackson says, "look at the man in the mirror, and change your ways".