I canNOT deal with...

*CHANGE*

I just cringe when I hear or read that word. It's not so much the word it self but it's what the word means. Why does this word make me cringe? Because this intangible noun (or verb) elicits feelings of anxiety and dismalness.

Here is the thing: I am one of those people who find it excruciatingly hard to accept change. Change, to me, means "different" or "no longer the way it was before." Now, don't get me wrong. I know that some change is good. If it wasn't for change, black people would still be living in the Jim Crow era. Hell, we would probably still be pickin' cotton at massah's sternly behest. Also, I have always been an advocate for self-learning and self-improvement. That within itself requires change. I just tend to hold on to people, times, and situations WAY after they have passed or moved on. I just find these type of things so hard to let go. Life changes and times changes, and for me that is so emotionally difficult to deal with.

Now, one of my definitions of change, "no longer the way it was before," is what really makes me feel gloomy. The thing about change is that in a lot of cases, not only is it unpredictable, but it also permanent. A lot of times when things change in life, such as people or circumstances, it's just no going back to the way things were. I guess I don't quite know how to explain it. I just unwittingly get emotionally attached to the way things are, and really don't realize it until things change. And it doesn't have to be something on a colossal level. It can be something small or negligible. Here are some examples:

I signed up for Facebook last year. Now, the thing that I love about Facebook is that it allows you to connect with your friends, family, and people you haven't seen in years. A lot of my Facebook friends are people that I went to high school with. These are people I haven't seen about - I don't know - six years (I graduated in 2004). Well, I have come to found out that a couple of people that I went to school with have kids and/or are married. I know one girl who used to braid my hair in 2005 had a son, probably sometime after I moved to California. I didn't know until I befriended her on Facebook. Now, you may be thinking, "Well, what's wrong with that?" Nothing really. Her having this child represents change. Why? because her child was NOT here when she was braiding my hair in 2005. So, when I saw that she had became a mother in recent years, I was taken back. I have nothing against her son. As a matter of fact, when I saw him I thought that he was adorable. =) But, like I said, her having her son represented change. She is a mom which is something she was not back in 2005.

Here is another example. A friend of mine, who I have known since I we were eight years old, got married. I haven't seen her since high school, but I do think about her (like the other people and situations of the past). When I saw her wedding photos on Facebook I just couldn't believe it. Married? Really? Of course I was happy for her, but at the same time I couldn't help but to think about the last time I remembered seeing her. To know that she is now married is shocker for me. It's not that she isn't attractive or anything (no, I'm not like that), but marriage, just like parenthood, is a big step; a step that represents CHANGE. You see where I'm getting at?

Here is another thing about me that is germane to changes. I am a self-proclaimed walter mitty. That means that I am a person who loves to escape from reality by daydream. I, a lot of times, daydream about the past. I think that I always harken back to the past is because it was how things used to be. Ya know? Then, after I am done daydreaming and return to my present state, I start to feel sad because I realize that the current present is not the past, and never will be.

Like I said, I don't realize that I have emotionally attached myself to times, situation, and people until after they change or passed by. A lot of times I use the past as a reason to hold on to people and times of the present. I do.

Another reason why I hold on because, even though they (people and situations specifically) have changed, they still represent sameness; familiarity. And maybe because of that, I would hope that things would go back to the way they once were, even if it's just for a little while.