I just don't know where to begin. For the past few months (hell, maybe longer than that) I have been brooding about my weight problem. Yes, I do have a weight problem. Mentally, as well as physically, it has taken a toll on me. But, here is the thing: I have struggled with weight ALL MY LIFE. It's a grim fact that I hate to admit, but it is true. I have always had a weight problem. No matter how hard I try to not only lose the weight, but keep it off, I fail.
Here is the skinny (no pun intended):
All of my life I have struggled with losing weight and gaining weight. I remember when I started my first diet. I was 8 (yes, EIGHT) years old. Wait a minute... no... I don't think I was eight. I was older. Maybe around 9 or 10? Ah... hell... I don't even remember *pfft*. All I remember was that I started my first diet before I became a teenager. Sad, right? Yeah, I know. On my first diet, I lost 8lbs. Man, when I lost that eight pounds, I was so proud of myself. I went around bragging to people! "Hey, Mrs. T. I lost 8 pounds!" "Hey, Mrs. V. I lost 8 pounds!" "Hey, homeless dude! I lost 8 pounds!" (OK, so that last one was a lie, lol. But, you get my drift). I really felt that I had accomplished something. But, damn if it wasn't hard, which was the reason why I gave up my diet after that. After I gave up that diet, I gain my weight back and then some.
*Fast foward*
Now high school. In high school, I was older and weighed a lot more. This was the time when I was inundated with insecurities and low self-esteem. These feeling were at their peek in my freshman year of high school (2000 - 2001). And I will be honest. I found my self looking at other girls petite and beautiful bodies. Not because I was some lesbian who was drooling over girls, but because they had the bodies I wanted. They wore cute close that form - fitted their their petite bodies. I used to find myself looking while seethed with envy. I wanted to look like them. I wanted to be able to wear the cute clothes and be attractive, too. Whenever I looked at them, I saw something that I could never grasp. Those girls were small and beautifully shaped. And because of my weight, I thought that would be something I would achieve (sorry if I come off as redundant). Although I was blighted by insecurities, it was at this time that I was motivated to "try again."
It was around the winter of 00' that I decided to get back into the battlefield. At that time I started getting into Tae Bo (by my best friend Quinnette recommendation) and jogging on the treadmill. Man, I remember like it was yesterday *cuing dream sequence* : I would go and put on some of my mother's old schools jams such as EW&F and the Ohio Players. I mostly played EW&F because I found their music so positive and optimistic that it helped motivate me. I would do my warm ups, and then get into Tae Bo or the treadmill. *ending dream sequence* This all continued until my sophomore year of high school. During the winter of 00' and the fall of 01', I had lost a decent amount of weight. I lost about 30 to 40 lbs. While, my diet and exercises regimen ended abruptly and I, once again, gain all of my weight back... and then some. The next I got on the scale (after I gained the weight) I saw that I was over 215 (I had never weight that much before in my life).
*Fast Forward... again*
In 2004, I graduated high school. Before high school though, I got some photos of my senior picture done. When I got those photos back, I couldn't believe how big I looked. To be quite honest, I was a bit disgusted. After graduation, I visited my sister in California. It was there that I , once again, went back to my fitness regime. I still ate some of the same food, but with smaller portions. And I would go on the treadmill everyday. OH... and I also bought another Tae Bo DVD. So yeah, I got my butt in gear. I worked out since summer of 2004 to somewhere in the beginning year of 2006 (when I moved to California).
Let me tell you that I used to exercise RELIGIOUSLY! Everyday I was either on the treadmill, doing my Winsor Pilates, doing Tea BO, or sometimes, all three. Boy, I tell you. I was on it. As long as I had my music to help motivated me, and make the exercising more enjoyable (which is hard to do, although I must admit that I was fond of the treadmill out of all the exercises that I did), I could do it. I would exercise at least 6 - 7 days a week. I started to eat smaller portions. And I was losing that weight. But, even with the positive, there is always a negative. Although I was exercising and eating smaller portions, I weight myself EVERYDAY. When I say everyday, I mean, EVERY SINGLE DAY! And I would weight myself multiple times. I was a scale - a - holic. No, I didn't make up that term. I actually read that in the Women magazine... no joke! Basically, a scale - a - holic is someone who was themselves multiple times a day, everyday. And their mood is dictate on the number that's looking back at you. And that's what it was for me. My mood was dependent upon how much I weighed. If I saw that I lost weight, even if it was a half a pound, I was profusely happy. I would walk away in a GREAT mood. But, when I saw that I gained weight, even a half a pound, I felt depressed. I would feel that I worked so hard just to take a few steps back. My life literally REVOLVED around that scale! By September of 05', I could fit into a size 8. A SIZE 8! I can't even remember the last time I could fit into a single digit size. I was amazed.
After that positive revelation, things started to go down hill. I moved to California in the in beginning of 2006 (the best move EVER). By time I got my drivers license, I had gain 20 lbs.
Then we fast forward to today. I am the heaviest I have EVER been. As a matter of fact, are some before and after pics. These before pics were taken while I was in California, and the after is me now.
Now I know these are not full body shots, but you can see from the size of my upper body as well as my face that I gain a significant amount of weight.
So, where do I got from here? I don't know. To be honest, I am completely jaded and tired. I have realized the cause of my weight return. It is my deplorable eating habits. I figured that out last year. It is my eating habits. I eat junk; a lot of junk. Plus I tend to over eat all the time. Yes, I was eating smaller portions at one time, but because of my weak will power, I relegated back to my old eating habits. Exercising was never a problem for me. Like I said, I used to exercise religiously. But, I had virtually non-EXISTENT constraint and self control when it came to my eating patterns. Its a damn shame that it took THIS LONG to figure it out. But, like I said, I am tired. I am too damn tired to start over again. When I think about all the hard work and time I invested, just to gain the weight again, it makes me depressed. I don't want to hear any encouraging comments. I don't want to be told that "I can do it." That is the LAST thing I want to hear.
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